A scriptural theme today is
[25] I will restore to you the years that the locust hath
eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the palmerworm, my great army
which I sent among you.
[26]
And ye shall eat in plenty, and be satisfied, and praise the name of the LORD
your God, that hath dealt wondrously with you: and my people shall never be
ashamed.
[27]
And ye shall know that I am in the midst of Israel, and that I am the LORD
your God, and none else: and my people shall never be ashamed.
The past two years of family therapy have brought about significant restoration of years of my life that I thought were ruined forever, beyond repair.
When
I was nine years old, my father had me in his church school classroom. While
I felt powerless, I threatened his control of the classroom by failing to
participate in the physical education running. He dealt with the situation by encouraging the other students
to take sticks and chase me, and
I did run. At that time, when I said "nobody loves me, everybody hates me," my mind had
concrete evidence with devastating impact.
I was said to fulfill the scripture 2
Tim. 3
[1]
This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come.
[2]
For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers,
disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy,
[3]
Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce,
despisers of those that are good,
and
there is more.
Eighteen
years ago, in June, when I was thirteen, I was asked to walk to the police
station and turn myself in as an unwanted child.
As I was walking there, my father picked me up to give me a ride. Later he publicly described it this way:
...we severed our son. You know when you have cancer and
you're not doing a natural treatment, the treatment for the cancer is to cut
it off, cut it out, throw it away. Well, we, within our family, basically
we had a child that was a problem child. Perhaps in family dynamics, you can't
point to just one person and say it's your fault.
But the four of us just didn't, there wasn't anything
we could do, that we knew to do that would help him. In order for the family
to survive, come June of that year we had to put him out, our 13-year-old
son, in order for the rest of us to to be able to survive.
Finally,
I was returned home for a period of months at the end of my sixteenth year.
At this age handcuffs would be used to restrain me, and I was sometimes
chained to my bed. Once I was maced.
The thing that damaged me the most, again came from my father. He told me, across the woodburning stove, that he would feel
justified before God in killing, executing,
me. He simply didn't want to
deal with the earthly authorities.
The
last time
I spoke here, I identified my schizophrenia as a result of pride and as
a humility program like the one Nebuchadnezzar underwent
successfully, ending with the declaration I claim as a promise, that I will say with him:
[37]
Now I Nebuchadnezzar
praise and extol and honour the King of heaven, all whose works are truth,
and his ways judgment: and those that walk in pride he is able to abase.
There
are two roots of pride that were contained in my response to my developmental
environment. Both are contradictions
that are at the core of the origins of my schizophrenia.
First,
I believed my worth was proven through my right or, mostly, wrong actions.
I did not grasp the intrinsic value of my soul in God's eyes, demonstrated
in the Lamb's Blood purchase of his Bride, whom He Himself clothes in His
own Righteousness. My heart of fear drove me into a legalistic mindset of
earning GodŐs love. This is an
impossible task, focusing on the failing self instead of the Perfect Substitute.
[16]
For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not
in burnt offering.
[17]
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart,
O God, thou wilt not despise.
Second, I hardened my heart by making a promise never to forgive my parents for hurting me. I was too proud to seem vulnerable to them. At the same time, however, I felt a deep need for love from my parents, and was ashamed deeply for this need.
[2]
When pride cometh, then cometh shame:
but with the lowly is wisdom.
[46] The LORD liveth; and blessed be my rock; and let the God of my salvation be exalted.
There is no ambiguity about whom my God is. He is the one who binds my wounds and puts me together. The antidote to pride, humility, is key to this healing. It is my humbly accepting the position of Sonship in the Royal Family, receiving His forgiveness, and his covering for my shame, that cures perfectionistic legalism. Now, my weakness is His strength. The imperfections within me are opportunities for His perfection to be made known. No longer am I trying to prove my own strength of obedience and invulnerability. Now my life is no longer mine, it is a Divine Proof Process by which He demonstrates his reality in this world through His healing relationship with me. There's no fake fixing Josh.
My promise to keep back forgiveness had to be broken.
Four years ago, I made a public declaration within my family that I chose to forgive my parents for what they'd done to me. Not many months later, I began coming to Grace Covenant Church, seeking the power of Christ to accomplish a heartfelt flowing forgiveness. Trust was built so that two years ago, when mom and dad entered family therapy with me, they didn't feel an ambush was taking place.
I applaud my parents for facing these tumultuous and painful issues with me. I believe that years more would have been required for me to heal in continued isolation from them. Now the scripture is often quoted:
[5] Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the
coming of the great and dreadful day of the LORD:
[6] And he shall turn the heart
of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers,
lest I come and smite the earth with a curse.
or
in reference to John the Baptist, the
first fulfillment of this apocalyptic scripture,
[17]
...he shall go before him [Jesus] in the spirit and power of Elias, to turn
the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the disobedient to the wisdom
of the just; to make ready a people prepared for the Lord.
To possess a heart of forgiveness, I had to take a different perspective on the past.
[5]
Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:
[8]
...he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the
cross.
[34] Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.
The past has a different charge for me than the anger and hatred it held. Flowing forgiveness streams from the understanding that my parents have always loved me, and didn't understand how they were hurting me. In the end, they took bad advice in a bad situation. I also realize that I existed and participated in the painful battle. What seemed small to them was large to me, and what was small to me, large to them. To recieve forgiveness for my part is to humble the pride in performance,the self-reliant self-righteousness.
God restores the years the locust ate, he doesn't replace them. Jesus sheds His light on my history, showing that He protected and drew me through each moment.
Rom 8
[28]
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God,
to them who are the called according to his purpose.
Everything that God allowed in my life was there to lead me to this period of grace and salvation.
My forgiveness allowed me to ask from my parents what I needed most. A deepseated belief had been overwhelming to me, a belief that I had been born cursed to be evil, a
22
... vessel of wrath fitted to destruction...
like Cain or Esau.
I asked my parents to remove this curse. The turning point came in our relationship. Together, they said, "We remove the curse." Now I trust the blessing they offer. The misperception that came between us, that I was unloved and had to prove my worth, that I could not trust them, has been worked through.
So...
[10]
I will greatly rejoice in the LORD, my soul shall be joyful in my God; for
he hath clothed me with the garments of salvation, he hath covered me with
the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decketh himself with ornaments,
and as a bride adorneth herself with her jewels.
4] Fear not; for thou shalt not be ashamed: neither be thou confounded; for thou shalt not be put to shame: for thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth, and shalt not remember the reproach of thy widowhood any more.
[5] For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called.
