Jesus saved me at the onset of my schizophrenia. I had been told about him since
childhood, but little evidence of His spirit was in my family. As I grew up,
I saw Christianity in terms of psychological phenomena. At my darkest hour,
though, admitting that I needed external and spiritual aid, I asked Him to help
me. Over more than ten years since that day in 1996, He has been healing my
mind and has revealed His true character of strength and gentleness to me.
In 2001 I was again psychotic after refusing my medication, which I felt took
away my personality. It was at this time that I was introduced to a little book
of poetry by the Muslim mystic Rumi translated by Coleman Barks entitled Like
This. The poetry of Rumi became the new operating system in my mind, replacing
schizophrenic symptoms like an ongoing dialogue criticizing my thoughts, behaviors,
and feelings. Rumi's poems describe shifts in conscious states that move towards
understanding and peace.
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar became an influence in my life through his tapes. He became
my "Hindu guru guy" when I saw him in person in Kansas City. Again,
I was psychotic at the time and had ideas of reference going on. At the height
of my mental troubles, my heart cried loudly, though my voice was silent, "I've
come all the way from Columbia and I can't see you." This was during his
talk and he inturrupted himself, saying, "Well, I should stand up, then."
I stood up at the same time he did. "No," he said, "I should
stand up." The entire room laughed gently as I sat down.
Early in my disease process I read a lot of Buddhism, but with the wrong attitude.
Schizophrenia can be interpreted, in part, as a denial of desire that hasn't
really been accepted and worked through. Also, I was in pursuit of knowledge
without love, a connection with people, believing that one could be a spiritual
being in isolation. Thus, a religious studies instructor's classroom comment
"Too much knowledge acquired too quickly leads to mental illness"
brought me to his office to say, in a schizophrenic way, "Thanks for the
message." It wasn't really meant particularly for me, but it did apply
personally.