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Schizophrenia and Recovery |
...facilitating communication across perspectives...
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We've come again to that knee of seacoast Tie together all human intellects.
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Peace begins within, in the heart, not the thoughts, and cannot be imposed from without. On this site I am revealing details of my inner life as I have lived through a turbulant childhood, broken down into the chaos of schizophrenia, and now am becoming whole and healed. I hope some of my experience and story will resonate within you and help in your life journey. If you wish to ask or share something with me, please email me to Dialogue with Josh.
As I was recovering from my last bout of psychosis, the first thing that I did to involve myself in the larger world was express my position on the second Iraqi war, just starting at the time. "Not In My Name." "Those with a voice must speak for the voiceless." I am always looking for the ways in which a little effort goes a long way, so I took the role of cheerleader for the peace movement, by videotaping the work and sharing it with them, to encourage the work.
Jesus saved me at the onset of my schizophrenia. I had been told about him since childhood, but little evidence of His spirit was in my family. As I grew up, I saw Christianity in terms of psychological phenomena. At my darkest hour, though, admitting that I needed external and spiritual aid, I asked Him to help me. Over more than ten years since that day in 1996, He has been healing my mind and has revealed His true character of strength and gentleness to me.
In 2001 I was again psychotic after refusing my medication, which I felt took away my personality. It was at this time that I was introduced to a little book of poetry by the Muslim mystic Rumi translated by Coleman Barks entitled Like This. The poetry of Rumi became the new operating system in my mind, replacing schizophrenic symptoms like an ongoing dialogue criticizing my thoughts, behaviors, and feelings. Rumi's poems describe shifts in conscious states that move towards understanding and peace.
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar became an influence in my life through his tapes. He became my "Hindu guru guy" when I saw him in person in Kansas City. Again, I was psychotic at the time and had ideas of reference going on. At the height of my mental troubles, my heart cried loudly, though my voice was silent, "I've come all the way from Columbia and I can't see you." This was during his talk and he inturrupted himself, saying, "Well, I should stand up, then." I stood up at the same time he did. "No," he said, "I should stand up." The entire room laughed gently as I sat down.
Early in my disease process I read a lot of Buddhism, but with the wrong attitude. Schizophrenia can be interpreted, in part, as a denial of desire that hasn't really been accepted and worked through. Also, I was in pursuit of knowledge without love, a connection with people, believing that one could be a spiritual being in isolation. Thus, a religious studies instructor's classroom comment "Too much knowledge acquired too quickly leads to mental illness" brought me to his office to say, in a schizophrenic way, "Thanks for the message." It wasn't really meant particularly for me, but it did apply personally.
Summer 2006 I was trained as a presenter for the NAMI In Our Own Voice, living with mental illness program. Here is the story of my illness from the onset through the current remission offered in that format.
Schizophrenia can be marked by loose associations and word salad. On these pages I share personal examples of my abstract word art, poetry, prose, and posters. "End time delusions are thought control." "CHAOS Becomes Beauty. Creation EVOLVES."
Again, this may be taken as an example of loose associations. It is also about a theme that is central to the schizophrenic experience, the relationship between what's outside and what's inside. I draw a metaphor combining the unit circle and a reciprical connection to represent my interior and the rest of the world. Then, I mathematically weight the interior and the exterior equally, and explore the implications of this transformation.
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